What is Babylon 5?
Basically, what you've got here is a big tin can in outer space. It's five miles long, and it's full of people : 250,000 of them on average. They all think they know the rules better than you do. Your job is to show them they don't. But you can't just jam a PPG rifle in their nasal cilia and say, "Yo, bud, can't drop that bubblegum there." You've gotta know how to treat them right. Or make them THINK you're treating them right, even when you ain't. This is called DI-PLO-MA-CY. Count the syllables. If the law of averages is with me, some of you greenies can probably even pronounce it. But here's the rub : now you've got to practice it. You've got to know how these folks tick. There's more than forty alien species here. There's over 30,000 nationalities and religions. Which is more than last year's crowd for the Mutai finals. It's the people that make this place work. Understanding the people will make your job easier, and if your job's easier, my job's easier. (But not too easy : that's the difference between a pay raise and being made redundant.) Any bribes you get, keep them to yourself. Anything else you get, I don't want to know about it. Anything ELSE you get, medlab is on blue 1.
Who lives and works here?
YOU do. The only way off is through the Big Dark, and unless you want to make that trip without a space suit and thruster pack, you've got to learn to get along with everyone else who lives and works here. Can you say DI-PLO-MA-CY? I'm not saying things are rough, but we're not exactly Mars Hilton, if you know what I mean. We're a frontier city. We get the lowlifes, the scum, the drunks. In my time here we've had looters and racists, murderers, thieves and conmen, cardsharks, dice blunters, doppelgangers, hijackers, and hooch sellers. Mad bombers and soul suckers we get every second Wednesday. Every one of them thinks he's got a special permit to break the rules. So far I haven't seen one permit that isn't printed in invisible ink on paper that doesn't exist. And by the way, if anyone finds the perp responsible for printing these "permits," well, just you lock him up good and proper, and we can all have a nice long holiday. That's a joke, buy the way; living here's not. Learn the difference. It could save your life.
The chain of command
There's them, there's you, there's Zack, there's me, and there's God. In that order. The Buddhist philosophy suggests that their god has nine billion names and that if anyone knows them all, the universe will end. For the purposes of rank, our god has just one name, Captain John Sheridan, and if you forget it, your universe will definately end. With a bang. That bang will be the passenger airlock of the very next transport home clanging shut behind you.
Witty pep talk
To quote Captain Sheridan : "Everything dies. You, me, fashion, religion, everything. Right? WRONG! I'll tell you what doesn't die : Honesty, integrity, passion. The first casualty of war is truth, and I tell you, Michael, we're at wae. We're the foot soldiers, the pike bearers, the sergeants, and the generals. But we're also the enemy. Confused? Good. Through confusion comes clarity; through clarity, truth; through truth, victory."
Anyone who has a problem with the metaphor can take it up with the captain at the weekly security review, Wednesdays at 0630 sharp. Don't forget to load you guns. And spit out that gum.
MICHAEL GARIBALDI
Chief Warrant Officer, Babylon 5, 2260
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